Hot Pockets vs. Backpacking: The Age Old Question

So, last week for work Claudia and I went backpacking in the Zirkel Wilderness because 1 of our plots was too far to hike in and out of in 1 day. I haven't camped yet all summer so I was super excited. The hike up was about 4.5 mi... not bad at all. A couple of sucky steep parts, but a lot of flat winding parts of the trail to balance it out. Parts of the trail took us through some parts of the forest that had burned about 5 years back. It was really fascinating how the fires just STOPPED in some areas. There's this whole load of charred and ashy trees and then all of a sudden it reverts back to live trees. No buffer... just live trees all of a sudden. Anyways, Claudia and I don't really hike together because she is a speed demon and I take it slowwww. Needless to say I had a lot of time to reflect and basically have internal monologues alla JD from Scrubs. Also, talking uses up a lot of much needed oxygen.

The way up I needed to distract myself with a game because during the steep parts I found myself basically just telling myself how tired i was and when is this part over yaddah yaddah. Therefore, as with so many aspects of my life, I looked to Michael G. Scott for inspiration. In the episode "Branch Wars" where Michael, Dwight, and (reluctantly) Jim go to Utica to prank Karen, they are in the car and they briefly play the game that's like A my name is Alan and my wife's name is Alice we live in Alaska and we sellllll.......". Well that's quite easy to play in your own head. I think I ended up playing 2 rounds of that. I invented some thematic versions to keep myself semi-challenged. The first round the thing that we sold had to be a drug or some slang version of a drug and the second round the people had to be names of people that I knew and they had to live in places that I had actually been. Unfortunately, I don't have any friends named Ulysses or Xena, so sometimes I allowed myself to cheat. This tactic worked wonders, and before I knew it I had conquered the steep section. On the other hand, I had alphabet on the brain... so I proceeded to sing A you're a adorable, B you're so beautiful, C you're a cutie full of pie (??? lyrics).... Thanks for the inspiration Grandma :).  It's weird how the mind can keep itself so occupied.

On the way down, (try to follow along with this craziness) I said to myself... my back hurts... as it tends to do when you have a 30lb pack on. Naturally "my back hurts" led me to Jim Gaffigan in his "Beyond the Pale" stand-up special in which he claims his back hurts after eating a Hot Pocket. Then OBVIOUSLY I started to compare and contrast backpacking to Hot Pockets. Allow me to lay out the mental Venn diagram that crossed through my mind.

 **DISCLAIMER: All of my Hot Pocket research is drawn from Gaffigan and not from experience... I have never eaten one. Do not reference this blog for your next exposé on questionable processed microwavable edibles**

On the 2 outer sections of the circles, we have where the 2 differ. This is easy. Backpacking is good for you. It improves your physical health as well as provides many therapeutic benefits. A single Hot Pocket would probably eat your digestive system's lining faster than your own stomach acid. Backpacking involves a single pack, while Hot Pockets come in packs of 2. The former is best enjoyed with others. The latter- take heed sharing with others especially if only 1 bathroom is available. Finally, one burns calories and the other burns your taste-buds clean off. The intersection of the 2 circles contains more similarities than 1 would think. As we have discussed, they both make your back hurt. They both make you have to poop at inconvenient times. They both can make you a bit light-headed and sleepy. And both should be undertaken only when accompanied by a CamelBak full of water.

So there you have it. That's what I thought about while out in beautiful, picturesque forests... I hope you feel enlightened. I know I really broke some new ground here.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jim Gaffigan's rant about Hot Pockets: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-i9GXbptog

We didn't start the fire!!

Well, I've been living in CO for over a month now and it's pretty much turned into a fiery inferno. I like to think that it's not my doing, but my unfortunate habit of throwing lit cartons of lit cigarettes may have finally caught up with me... i know i know... It's a dangerous habit :/

Actually, despite all of the crazy forest fires, I am not near any of them. My hunky firefighter neighbors have been called out a bunch, so that doesn't really help put out MY fire, but what can ya do? My roommate Emily is pretty awesome. She's on the US Forest Service Timber crew... they also may be called in to help put out the fires. But i have no training in that area at all, so I will not be called in everrrr, which I'm happy about. It's hot enough out here as it is!!

Hmmm... ok updates updates. The past couple of weeks of work have been tough. Sometimes we are out for 12 or 13 hours a day (granted some of it is driving to and from a plot, but they are still long days!) The first week we traveled about 2 hours west and did a bunch of plots out there. Last week I was in Steamboat, so I got to sleep in my own bed at night. This week we are back out west.. but a different town. Meeker, CO in a pretty balling hotel room I've got to say. The state pays for all of our travel expenses and we get per diem (pretty shweet deal). 

                                                       

Juniper: I get to climb all up in that

Pinyon

A typical day: in the morning, Claudia (tree inventory extraordinaire and my boss) picks me up in the Jeep and we set out to our plot for the day. I input our plot coordinates into the GPS and have to map out the best way to get there. Sometimes the roads take us like 500 ft from our plot center and sometimes we have to hike. The toughest one yet has been 2.5 mi, which doesn't sound like a lot, but when you've got a 30lb pack and are bushwhacking through bushes and blowdown it can be pretty grueling. That day I fell in the river once and sank in mud twice *STHCORE. Then when we get to a plot we have to find a reference point which is given to us in our plot packets. We are remeasuring trees that someone else did 10 years ago, so we have to make sure we are in the exact same spot!! Sometimes finding a little metal stake in the middle of the forest is next to impossible, especially when the guy that did it last time must've had his head in a stump because some of his descriptions and coordinates are like 1000ft off! 


Anyways, I digress... So once we find the RP we locate the Plot Center and then we have 4 subplots off of that plot center. We measure tree diameters, analyze vegetation, crown cover percentage, the amount of litter and down material is on the ground and then look at diseases or deformities that the trees have. I like doing the timber plots which are primarily Aspen, Spruce, Fir, and Lodgepole Pine, but the woodland plots (Pinyon Pine and Juniper) can suck a fat chainsaw. They are all branchy at the bottom with plenty of little twigs that stab you and sharp prickly needles. Basically, I turn into a Courtney Love/ Ann Coulter hybrid every time I have to deal with one. My hair is all disheveled, lots of cuts on my arms, and I have at least 1 large stick up my ass. Today I sat on a cactus...  

That Jeep gets free car washes. Yay for govt vehicles.

Hmmm... OK fun juicy stuff? My apartment is pretty awesome! King size bed... right on the river/ pond. Horseshoe pit in the back. My social life has been consisting of drinking, tubing down/ swimming in the Yampa river (WHICH IS SO MUCH FUN), and trying to meet people. Luckily I have Emily and Stu (remember him from last summer??) to mooch friends off of. Last weekend Stu and I went to a real live rodeo! We were too cheap to pay though so we had mega nose bleed seats. It was fun though! Saw bullriding, calf roping, bucking broncos, a cross dressing rodeo clown, and my favorite: they tie a ribbon to a ram and make little kids (5 and under) chase it around... whoever can grab the ribbon first wins a beltbuckle. YEEEEHAWWWW!!! I do miss the beach, but i found a semi beachish area where i can swim and tan and read along the river, so that'll have to do. 

The kidos about to chase Rambo

My room complete with Velvito

The view from my living room window

Those are my stories for now!! TTFN LYLAS OMG LOL!! xo

Back Again

Well... I can't believe a year has gone by since I was felling trees and pooping in the woods with the best of 'em. I did not adjust back into city life as planned, SO i decided to go back to the woods.. or at least a happy medium. I'm currently in my bed in RI for the last time in......let's say 5 months. In 2 hours I'm driving up to Montreal to graduate and leave my college years behind me. It's been a fun ride, but honestly "i'm over it" (now traditionally I know this is a phrase used by betches to move past the actions of guys that they are in reality not over). Montreal may not have been a complete asshole that didn't return my calls, he did sometimes take my dignity and most definitely my money. Allors, au revoir mon ami compliqué- I'm over you. I will of course miss the friends I have made who are in various locations across the globe and unrealistically say we will see each other again. "Oh yea I'll totally come to Europe over christmas and I'm sure you'll come visit me in the middle of the Colorado wilderness". Maybe once we are all making the big post-college bucks it's more apt to happen.

Last week I moved out to CO to begin my work with the state forest service. My official title is Forest Inventory Technician, which is just a fancy way of saying I collect data about trees. The move began with the infamous road trip from RI to CO. I was accompanied by the lovely Grace and although we were not driving a giant sheepdog which we would later sell in order acquire a moped in Nebraska, we did have to sell a dead bird to a blind kid.

The first day we drove from RI to Akron, OH to crash at Alex's (remember from last year's Goodfellers my dutiful readers?? If I must reduce his identity down to the physical, he was the blonde dreads one). We had to of course make the pilgrimage to Scranton, PA to plant beets with Dwight and go see Scrantonicity II play at Poor Richard's Pub. Welllllll maybe we didn't get that far, but we did go to the Steamtown Mall (home of Women's Appreciation episode) and take a picture with the sign from the opening credits. Prison Mike made an appearance as well... he kept saying something about gruel and dementors... weird. We arrived in Akron after a lonnngggg 12 hour day of driving. But it was nice to see a familiar face and have some local brews outside in the sunshine. We ended up crashing wicked early because we were tired and had the longest leg of the trip the following day. 4am rolled around and we rolled out of bed. On the road again.

Day 2 took us to Red Wing, MN where Jake "fumanchu" MacDougall eagerly awaited our arrival. It was a lonnngggggg ass day of 14 hours driving (and Chicago really brought out the east coast driver in me), but we made it!! Just in time for the pizza farm too! This place was awesome. It's a farm typically. Rolling fields, cows, goats, sheep, vegetables, that whole deal... THEN on Tues nights they decided to use all of these super fresh ingredients to make delicious pizza. Naturally, we got something with olives and feta because those are the besttttt. Basically everyone just chills on the grass with blankets. It's byob, so very laid-back vibe and people didn't think RI was part of NY!!! Quite delightful.

Day 3 brought us through MN and SD to Badlands National Park. This day was rough because the roads became all farmland. We did get to stop in Blue Earth, MN to visit with the Jolly Green Giant. I hope I never live in a town where there are more 100' green statues than people... that's for sure. But he and his size 78 shoe were all smiles for us weary road travelers, thus giving us the drive (pun OBVIOUSLY intended) to keep going. We reached our Badlands campsite with plenty of time to set up the tent and cook a great dinner sans fire. The next morning after showers at the all too familiar KOA we departed for the final leg of the trip.

Day 4 took us all the way to Steamboat Springs. We had to make some stops along the way of course. The first was Wall Drug in Wall, SD. Let me preface by saying that we had planned on going there originally, but even if we hadn't I think it would have been morally daft to have not stopped given there were signs for like 400 freakin miles. South Dakota: "we put up billboards because there's not much else to see here". They pretty much just had any random sentence and just put Wall Drug after it. "They're back" with a painting of a Dino and then Wall Drug. "Free Ice Water"- Wall Drug. "In case you didn't see the last 50 signs" - Wall Drug. "Haha, you've been driving for sooooo long" - Wall Drug. Don't get me wrong it was fabulous in the tackiest road side attraction way possible. But we were too cold to get the ice water (RIP OFFFFFF). Then, it was off to Mount Rushmore. Now don't send the CIA to my house, but it was kind of underwhelming. The black hills were cool, but I guess i just really had hoped Washington's head was going to open up and Team America was going to fly out while "America, Fuck Yea" blasted from the sky and hoards of bald eagles lifted us up and carried us to get our faces painted with red white and blue awesomeness... Well, that didn't happen. In fact they wanted to charge us $11 to see something we could see from the road, so that was Mt. Rushmore. Final pitstop, Carhenge. Alliance, NE. Middle of nowhere. It was the weirdest thing... these junk cars in this strange formation. I wonder if it was some sort of Pagan tribute site back in the day. Where ancient Nascar fans got packs of Natural Ice tattooed across their stomachs in the hopes of convincing people their beer gut is in fact a six-pack. Guess we'll never know the truth...

FINALLYYYYY Steamboat!!! We got in at about 10pm to my apartment, which was lovely. It's right on the Yampa with a view of mountains in the back. We have a grill and horseshoe pit and there are a lot of grisly mountain men to oogle at! These are not the trailgoggles talking this time. Anyways, that was the adventure, thus far. Once I get back to CO from graduation I will be undergoing job training with the other seasonal forestry techs in Boulder. I'll keep you guys posted until I feel self-conscious for having a blog that only my mom follows.

tata for now